Ilicia | FirstBorn2Autism.com

:::in our own world…together:::

Archive for October, 2009

We want another baby…I think.

Posted by Ilicia on October 22, 2009

We all, as mothers, have had that urge to feel pregnancy again. Whether it was just giving it a brief thought or really contemplating it seriously with your spouse or significant other. I’m feeling like this now. I have visions of what it would be like to hold another baby and to equally love this new child as much as I love the one I already have. But, as a mother that has a child with autism, that’s not an easy decision. In fact, it’s a frightening one. There’s so much that could go wrong but on the other hand there’s so much that can be right about it.

You may have fears that your eldest (or child with autism) may not be as receptive to the baby as you thought they would. What if my son feels left out or regresses in behavior as a result of the new child? What if you feel the need to still give all your attention to the only child (autie) and that doesn’t give you room (so you think) to include a new child.? What if the new baby has autism too?

Truth is, there are statistics that will calm your nerves slightly about the thought of having another baby. Autism prominently appears in male children and the numbers are probably better for the second child. But at the end of the day, it’s all just numbers. No one really knows what will happen.

You can ask yourself these questions until your brain melts, but the point about it is something can happen regardless of whether your other child have autism or not. There’s a chance that something bad will happen just like there’s a chance something wonderful and beautiful will happen. I know I’ll have other children after nursing school but I want it to be worry free from all those questions. I will keep my faith in God and pray for healthy babies. That’s all you can do. You can’t stop living because something that made you feel like dying happened. It happened. We have to leave with that. But there is so much beauty and love to be had and shared. Why not have another child?

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Tantrums and public perception (don’t pull your hair out)

Posted by Ilicia on October 22, 2009

I’ve been through this, thank God, and have little to no problems out of my son now but I realize that other mothers may be in this stage. Say you’re at the grocery store and your kid starts screaming to the top of his/her lungs for any number of reasons: they want something you just passed by, they don’t want to go down the aisle you just went down, they are hungry and didn’t tell you/couldn’t tell you, the sounds being made in the store are too much to take, or just because they want to. This is hard to deal with because it’s not just like any other child’s tantrum. I think an autism tantrum is different in that the child wants something/or wants to tell you something in which they cant express whereas with a typical child they can just tell you and if you are saying no about it they then show defiance.

I can tell you from personal experience that this was beyond embarrassing for me because I would either get one of two responses from people (mostly other women). One response would be (damn her kid is bad, if I was her I’d whoop that kid’s ass, she’s letting that kid run over her) and the other would be (she’s being pretty rough on that kid, does she have to discipline her child here, she’s abusing her kid, that is so wrong). Either way you feel like “damned if I do, damned if I don’t”. People from first glance are not going to be able to tell that your child is handicapped and you are showing restraint and being patient with the next moves you’re trying to make to counteract your child’s behavior.

There is a solution to your problem, though, it will take a lot of work and patience on your part. When your at the store, find out what is triggering the tantrum. If it is something that they want and can’t say it, take it home with you and work on saying/or signing for this item. Bring toys and food with you to the store so your baby can be preoccupied while you shop. Make a little booklet or notepad with a story (I did this one) that explains what happens while going to the store.

If it’s an issue with wanting a food or toy in the store before you pay for it, here’s something you can do.  I suggest giving your child some money, let them get in front of you, and show them how to pay for their items (that way they can eat/play with it and you can be at ease). If they can’t wait until you get finished shopping, try it in the middle of your shopping and start your shopping back up after you’ve given them the money and they’ve paid for their things. You have to teach them there is an order to shopping and I wouldn’t just give the item to them to have because they will want to open and eat everything and it’ll just defeat the purpose of what you’re teaching.

Sometimes your child, having autism, is so used to routine that any little variance from that can cause a tantrum. You have to understand that in their minds things are supposed to happen the same way, if it doesn’t the tantrum happens. Say for instance, you notice that you child has a hard time transitioning from place to place or from activity to activity. What you can do then is tell you child, ” Okay, in 5 minutes we are leaving the store and going home.” “Okay, in 3 minutes we are leaving and going home”… and so on until you get to a minute and then reach out your hand and start walking slowly away. They will then associate this with leaving one thing and starting something else. Your child may not even understand the concept of time or minutes but it will be a repetitive thing that happens during a transition. (This is what worked for me, it might work for you).

Just know that you can’t stop taking your child places because of how they behave. If you have to explain to waitresses/waiters in restaurants that your child has autism and that you need a well-lit place with minimal noise, do that. That is your right. You have a right to have a good time and be accommodated when you patronize a place. You have to get your child used to socializing and different environments. As time goes on and as your child gets older, it gets better.

If you have to explain to onlookers and people with frowns and confused looks that your child has autism, then do that. It spreads information and stops ignorance in its tracks. Because at the rate autism is going, in the future they all will know someone with a child with autism. Sometimes we forget that they, our children, look typical and it’s hard for people to imagine such normal looking children have this disorder. It is our job to educate people about it and show them that our children do matter and they will respect us.

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Inclusion: He’s just not ready

Posted by Ilicia on October 21, 2009

Having a child with autism that is in public school is difficult, to say the least. I want to talk about one of the hardest things I’ve had to experience as of late. My son’s teachers had been sending notes home about his behavior and I was getting a little aggravated at the fact that they couldn’t find anything positive to say about him. I did what any good parent would do and I made a surprise visit to the school and what I saw really humbled me and mad me feel…sad, I guess.

See, my son is so smart and advanced in his own ways that I just automatically assumed that he could be included in the typically Kindergarten class. His IEP calls for him to be included in the Kinder class for 30 minutes a day and I wasn’t pleased that the times that he was attending were recess and during lunch. As time went on, his 30 minutes was spent during handwriting and I was okay with that. I wanted more for him, though.

My trip to the school and to his 30 minutes in the Kinder class was a reality check for me, of sorts. What I saw was all these typical children sitting at attention, listening to the teacher, and responding to questions. I also saw that my son had to sit with his Sp.Ed teacher and was disruptive, inattentive (at times, he did answer a few questions the teacher asked… this made me very proud), and at sometimes just paying attention to things he didn’t need to (too much visual stimulation in the room).

Don’t get me wrong, I am not disappointed in my son. I think I’m more disappointed in myself that I didn’t come to the school sooner and see with my own eyes that my son has a hard time dealing with all that going on in a classroom at one time. It’s not that he can’t do the work. He can, if he’s assisted. When I stepped out the class I felt myself well up and a  pang in my chest just let me know where my son stood at that point.

From there I was told that when my son turns six years old, he will be age out of PPCD and be in the LINK program (link is special ed. that extends to the 5th grade). I visited the LINK class and the teachers introducing myself to them and settling my mind around the fact that my expectations may be different from the outcome might be.

I left there and visited the Principal and talked to her for about an hour about my son. All my questions were answered. What I was mainly confused about was: How will my son’s learning and progress be measured “grade-wise?” I was told that he will be in the LINK program and that based on what he can retain and give back to them, letting them know he understands will make that decision. If he is on a 3rd grade math level and that’s all he can retain and understand and he is physically in the 5th grade, that’s just the level he is on and he will be passed to the next grade. He will just be taught based on what he can handle not what his peers can do at the same level. Still, this is unsettling to me… but it’s a reality I have to accept.

I keep asking myself, “Am I doing enough, could I be teaching him more than I am?” I dont know. I dont want to rack his brain…pushing as much information in there as I possibly can…for what? To make him equal in some kind of way? I dont think that’s what I want to do. Would this be making me feel better or doing something for me and not him? Probably. I’m doing my best. That’s all I can do.

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